While preparations are underway in the Philippines for the next Miss Universe, preparations are underway in North Korea on how to annihilate the universe.
What!?! How can we all be in the same solar system when some countries are completely out of this planet? I can’t believe the future leaves me with two options: Miss Venezuela winning the 2018 crown or the end of the world.
To survive, we’ve got one choice: world peace.
How? Let’s re-invent the Miss Universe beauty pageant, made up of the international ambassadors for world peace, and merge it with the United Nations (UN) General Assembly, which are the actual international ambassadors for world peace.
The synergies are there. Hear me out.
1) The Miss Universe competition is held in more than 190 countries worldwide. The UN General Assembly has 193 member states. It’s a merger of equals. In fact the new organisation will be a real beauty-and-brains outfit. Sometimes half and half.
2) The Miss Universe competition attracts an audience of half a billion people. The UN General Assembly? Five. Combining the two will give the UN a much bigger audience.
Besides, it’s been 65 years since Miss Universe first started and 72 years since the UN General Assembly had its first meeting.
We are wayyyy overdue for world peace.
3) UN speeches are so boring there needs to be some fabulous entertainment in between. Let’s throw a talent segment into the mix.
4) Raising funds for international aid and disaster recovery will be much easier. Nobody does fundraisings and sponsorship deals like beauty queens can.
Do you know how much those evening gowns cost?
5) On swimsuits. In the age of #fitspo, this segment is unnecessary. They all look stunning.
However, if it takes a two-piece to keep the planet in one piece, then I am happy to reconsider. Let’s keep the dialogue open.
6) On the Q&A segment. That scary moment when no words would come out of your mouth? When your brain goes haywire under the glare of the spotlight and you can’t think?
If the pageant is run like the UN, this problem will go away. The United Nations Q&As are so long we would have all blanked out before any of the candidates hit a mental blank.
7) Proximity breeds babies. By mixing beauty queens with brainiacs, we are boosting the gene pool and cutting costs on cosmetic surgeries.
Stop. It’s time for a commercial break.
I have a love-hate relationship with beauty pageants because my only claim to fame, the only celebrity I know who I’m remotely related to is … Gloria Diaz, yes, she who is the first Filipina to be crowned Miss Universe back in 1969. She won Miss Swimsuit, too.
I found out my paternal grandfather is a first-degree cousin of Jaime Baltazar-Diaz, Gloria’s dad. Her entire family hails from La Union, Aringay in the Philippines, home of all the Baltazars I’m related to so, while she doesn’t know I exist, I’m still going to call her tita.
That is why when I see Instagram celeb and Philippine It Girl @isabelledaza’s IG feeds (Isabelle is Gloria’s daughter), I say to myself: “Looking fabulous, cuz!”
But I digress. Commercial break finished.
Finally, reason number eight: the most compelling reason to combine the two is so that we can finally retire this mean stereotype that beauty queens are a bunch of airheads.
Nothing like a nuclear warhead discussion to sharpen your intellect.
To conclude, putting the UN in Miss Universe will double our chances of managing the North Korea crisis and fast-track our route to world peace.
Think about that while I adjust my (tita Gloria’s) crown.
Post-Script: I woke up this morning to news about the terrible tragedy that happened in Las Vegas. While the story broke yesterday, more information trickled in overnight that made me feel even more saddened and horrified. I have made it a rough rule of thumb not to react and post about every tragic news, if I can help it, on Facebook. There’s practically one everyday. If it’s not war, it’s famine. If it’s not about a natural disaster, it’s about terrorism. What to make of a world so connected that we find out about senseless human violence more than a human heart can absorb? Just because I don’t react immediately on Facebook doesn’t mean I don’t care, it’s because I choose to grieve privately.
I continue this exercise of writing a blog a day and I hope that you can understand that the topic I choose to write about might not necessarily be the same topic that occupies are collective minds on a day-to-day basis.